Art, Crafting, and Self-Care

Look who's been experimenting with pearlescent watercolors! (It's me.) 


I am one of those people who wants to try every single hobby and art form available. There is no end to the things I want to know and try. This is why my Pinterest boards are so insanely full and seemingly random. It's also part of why I still don't have a degree; I took every class that piqued my interest whether or not it was on my degree plan. Physical Anthropology? Yes, please! Acting? Sign me up! Drawing, Sculpture, and Ceramics? Yes, Yes, and yes! I really don't have any regrets about the classes but it would be nice to have something to show for all of that time and effort and money lol.

This particular creative character trait baffles my husband. I spend time and money on supplies and classes and doing the actual thing and then I have to store all of the supplies and I talk to him about the projects (in which he usually has very little interest) and basically now you know the story behind me having my own "office."

I love my office, for the most part. I have a wall of bookcases full of books and crafting stuff. I have a chest of drawers overflowing with yarn and almost-finished yarn projects. I have supplies for everything, even for hobbies and art forms that I don't currently practice. For instance, I have a wood burning kit I still have yet to use (I know, I know Ashley!) and a block of stone for the stone carving project I keep meaning to do. Believe me, I get why my husband is not thrilled. Ociel's thought process is that I can put everything that's messy and incomprehensible in my room and then shut the door and he doesn't have to deal with it. I have my stuff, he has peace of mind. Win-win.

The thing about my office is, I haven't really spend a lot of time in there lately. For one, it's a mess, which just makes me feel overwhelmed and ashamed. I have been trying to unload a bunch of crafting supplies that I no longer want on Facebook's Marketplace and they are in a big plastic tub right in front of the door. Then there are the random things that end up in my room because we lack a better place to put it, like gift wrap stuff, toys our son has outgrown but we don't want to just give to Goodwill, and decorative items that haven't found their way onto a wall yet. None of those things are conducive to creativity or serenity. 

Then there's the other reason I don't really go in my craft room, even to try to clean it. It took me several months to realize this, but being in there makes me feel guilty. I'm not contributing to the family, so maybe I don't deserve to be creative. Maybe I'm not entitled to be happy right now.

Acting on that idea was the worst thing I could have done. When I stopped making things, writing, being creative in some way, I removed hope and joy from my life. I had nothing to pour myself into when I was overflowing and nothing to pull energy from but my own dark depths. The only voice in my head was a hateful recitation of my many flaws.

Holy crow, let's all look at a bunny real fast.

Whew, ok much better. Anyway, I ended up having a couple of very tearful conversations with my husband. He let me know that he was worried about me. He told me that no one was interested in punishing me but me. He reminded me that because I was capital D - Depressed, I was lying to myself about my worth and my abilities and my value to him and our kiddo. They value me and they need me to be happy as much as I need me to be happy.

I want to say that those conversations fixed everything. They didn't fix the situation, BUT they did pull me back from the brink and give me a starting point. It was a huge relief to be given the gift of my husband's understanding. He knows that being creative is a huge part of me and by extension, my relationships. Cutting myself off from that was incredibly unhealthy for all of us.

If you are struggling with your self-worth, I hope you remember that Depression is a liar. I hope you find a spark of defiance and do the things that you need to do to feel like you. It won't change everything overnight, but it will put you back on the path to yourself.