Projects for Daaaaaaaays!

As you know, I love making things. Unfortunately, I do have trouble completing projects. If something is a quick fix (just needs a drop of glue), I will never get around to it. Never. I have no idea why. If I'm working on a new skill, I will hammer away at it until I feel confident about my technique and then lose interest in the project as a whole. For instance, I learned how to make a quilt out of fabric pieces that are crocheted together and I probably did about half of it before I put it down and forgot all about it. That was like, 5 years ago! Remember that Thug Life cross stitch I did for my good friend John? Still unframed as are the 2 watercolor projects I completed a couple of weeks ago. I look right at them everyday; still, no progress.

Just staring at me and waiting....

I'm trying to improve as a human being and make myself proud so I've been working on this. I found like 5 things that just needed super glue and *boom* finished them. I also hung up 2 pictures that I'd just never gotten around to, cleaned my craft room, and went through my fabric. Wow, this is what it feels like to complete things? I felt like a super hero! I pulled out an unfinished crochet project to continue my streak of success.

But... then one of the pictures fell off the hanger because the material was too porous and I realized that the crochet project was tedious so, naturally, I ABANDONED EVERYTHING AGAIN AND STARTED A NEW PROJECT.

Here's a picture of the shawl I just started:

To be honest, I haven't picked up this guy in a week either lol

Siiiiigh.... Much like my projects, I am a work in progress. I have good intentions and enthusiasm but it takes me a little time to get out of my own way.

Art, Crafting, and Self-Care

Look who's been experimenting with pearlescent watercolors! (It's me.) 


I am one of those people who wants to try every single hobby and art form available. There is no end to the things I want to know and try. This is why my Pinterest boards are so insanely full and seemingly random. It's also part of why I still don't have a degree; I took every class that piqued my interest whether or not it was on my degree plan. Physical Anthropology? Yes, please! Acting? Sign me up! Drawing, Sculpture, and Ceramics? Yes, Yes, and yes! I really don't have any regrets about the classes but it would be nice to have something to show for all of that time and effort and money lol.

This particular creative character trait baffles my husband. I spend time and money on supplies and classes and doing the actual thing and then I have to store all of the supplies and I talk to him about the projects (in which he usually has very little interest) and basically now you know the story behind me having my own "office."

I love my office, for the most part. I have a wall of bookcases full of books and crafting stuff. I have a chest of drawers overflowing with yarn and almost-finished yarn projects. I have supplies for everything, even for hobbies and art forms that I don't currently practice. For instance, I have a wood burning kit I still have yet to use (I know, I know Ashley!) and a block of stone for the stone carving project I keep meaning to do. Believe me, I get why my husband is not thrilled. Ociel's thought process is that I can put everything that's messy and incomprehensible in my room and then shut the door and he doesn't have to deal with it. I have my stuff, he has peace of mind. Win-win.

The thing about my office is, I haven't really spend a lot of time in there lately. For one, it's a mess, which just makes me feel overwhelmed and ashamed. I have been trying to unload a bunch of crafting supplies that I no longer want on Facebook's Marketplace and they are in a big plastic tub right in front of the door. Then there are the random things that end up in my room because we lack a better place to put it, like gift wrap stuff, toys our son has outgrown but we don't want to just give to Goodwill, and decorative items that haven't found their way onto a wall yet. None of those things are conducive to creativity or serenity. 

Then there's the other reason I don't really go in my craft room, even to try to clean it. It took me several months to realize this, but being in there makes me feel guilty. I'm not contributing to the family, so maybe I don't deserve to be creative. Maybe I'm not entitled to be happy right now.

Acting on that idea was the worst thing I could have done. When I stopped making things, writing, being creative in some way, I removed hope and joy from my life. I had nothing to pour myself into when I was overflowing and nothing to pull energy from but my own dark depths. The only voice in my head was a hateful recitation of my many flaws.

Holy crow, let's all look at a bunny real fast.

Whew, ok much better. Anyway, I ended up having a couple of very tearful conversations with my husband. He let me know that he was worried about me. He told me that no one was interested in punishing me but me. He reminded me that because I was capital D - Depressed, I was lying to myself about my worth and my abilities and my value to him and our kiddo. They value me and they need me to be happy as much as I need me to be happy.

I want to say that those conversations fixed everything. They didn't fix the situation, BUT they did pull me back from the brink and give me a starting point. It was a huge relief to be given the gift of my husband's understanding. He knows that being creative is a huge part of me and by extension, my relationships. Cutting myself off from that was incredibly unhealthy for all of us.

If you are struggling with your self-worth, I hope you remember that Depression is a liar. I hope you find a spark of defiance and do the things that you need to do to feel like you. It won't change everything overnight, but it will put you back on the path to yourself.

Hustle Up

As you may or may not know, I have started working for a couple of popular delivery services to keep contributing financially to the family. I started with Favor because their marketing is very good. I mean, it's hard to say no. Unfortunately, Favor was cool for like, a day. Then I realized how much gas I was using and mileage I was putting on the car for $8 an hour and that was the end of that. Plus, it was insanely stressful. Driving can make me anxious and I constantly felt pressed for time so that just heightened the anxiety. It was not a match for my personality. I was discouraged but not beaten (and, frankly, still desperate) so I looked into Shipt.

Shipt is pretty great. It's a grocery delivery service that I've actually used many times in the past. I feel like the company is more supportive, has a better app, and is just a lot easier for someone like me. Less driving, less confusion, less room for error. I do wish Shipt would adopt Favor's minimum tipping policy, but it's still better money than Favor was on a good day.

(Side note - Favor is owned by HEB and if they would let you do only grocery deliveries on their app, I would totally participate again. Just putting that out in the universe.)

I tell you all of this so that you have a little background going in to this story. This is the story of a no good, very bad shop.

I put myself on the schedule for Shipt not really having much expectation of being busy. The market saturation in my area ensures that I don't get many offers. To my surprise, I was offered 2 shops in rapid succession. The first shop was a doozie and it was a bit of a risk because it had a lot of items but not a lot of time before the delivery window. At the same time, a big order means better money and I need money so... not really a tough choice.

Well, it was an adventure. I wasn't familiar with the grocery store that I was shopping so trying to find the items was frustrating. It was an HEBplus so it's stupid-huge like Cabellas but with pantry items instead of hunting and fishing gear. I had to ask directions to the cheese. I feel ridiculous just typing that.

The store was PACKED. Everyone was shopping that day and there were at least 2 HEB in-store shoppers with their giant carts, taking up room in the narrow aisles. I love them, they work hard and they have a lot going on. But, man oh man, there was really not enough room for them, me, and all the regular shoppers.

Side note - I love that shoppers have professional courtesy. Whenever any of the "professional" shoppers see each other, no matter what platform we are working for, we always offer each other sympathetic smiles, try to stay out of each other's way, and shout out well wishes and encouragement. Stay strong fellow shoppers!

Back to the adventure. So many of the items on my 55 item shopping list were not available. I was constantly texting the client with substitutions and their sizes and prices for comparison. Waiting on a response is difficult because you are dead in the water until you get a yea or nay. There are times when I am confident enough with a substitution and I will just stick it in the cart and keep shopping while I wait for confirmation but, if I'm not sure, I stay in that aisle because backtracking feels like defeat. But being an unmoving blob in the pasta aisle is also a problem. Regular shoppers don't see a person providing great customer service, they see an obnoxious woman taking up space while she frantically texts and mutters under her breath.

The cart got heavy quickly because this particular client wanted a lot of canned items. The order was at least 3/4 canned and bottled. In fact, they wanted something like 20 cans of soup and only 6 of them were duplicates. So 14 individual cans of soup with very similar names... it was madness. I could feel the time ticking away as I struggled to find yet another can of chicken noodle soup that was somehow different from all the other previous chicken noodle soups that were already in the cart. How are there so many unique vegetable beef soups when they are all made by Progresso??? I was sweaty and flustered by the time I found them all.

In the middle of the shop (and, coincidentally, the middle of this grocery store), it all just kinda fell apart. You know those bulk supplies of water, 32 bottles of 16.9oz water bottles, all plastic-wrapped together? This client needed 4 of them. Plus an 18 pack of Gatorade. Plus 4 different brands of soda in 4 different container-types. I mean, the soda wasn't really a problem but I was so WTF-ed out by then, it seemed like a ludicrous request.

The basket was beyond full and I still had like 15 more items. It's so heavy, I had to brace myself and push with non-existent muscle groups to get it rolling. I looked ridiculous. I felt like I was thrust into some strange Cross-fit/Supermarket Sweep crossover without my consent.

I finally had to admit defeat and call Shipt to get my second shop reassigned. There's no way I was delivering the current order on time, much less segueing into another shop successfully. That sucked for me but hopefully the client got their order on time.

Side note - omg, the people who work as Shipt shopper support are the nicest people in the world. So understanding and helpful. Bless you, beautiful support people!

The rest of the shop is a blur of trying to find substitutes and shoving a 2 ton cart up and down aisles without audible grunting.

Checking out was fun because the teenagers on the register found the order as bizarre as I did. They made me promise not to deliver the groceries into a weird bunker for my own safety. They also conspicuously did not offer to help me out to my car (I really can't blame them) so my pride and I unloaded the survival rations (???) into the trunk of my tiny car.

Life disappointed me yet again here, folks; there was standing water in my cooler bag. Now, I'm not blaming that on my husband... but I'm not NOT blaming it on him either. It could have been either of us. So it could have definitely been him.

Anyway, I can't put the cold stuff in the cooler and deliver wet bags because I imagined how horrified I would be if someone delivered wet grocery bags to me and there were no leaks in my grocery items. I would have to wonder why the bags were wet and my imagination is fertile so that would not go well. In the end, I just hoped that the house was truly only 7 minutes away like the GPS promised me and there wouldn't be any more funny business.

At the client's home, they had widely-spaced cement pavers and I ended up rolling my ankle on one of my 6-7 trips to the door. The disappointment of delivering this weird order and not seeing an obvious religious sect or 18 Kids and Counting was nearly overwhelming.  No tinfoil hats or old-timey aprons or even a wall covered in newspaper articles with a lot of arrows and question marks in red ink. It was just a regular mom in workout gear and one toddler and a cat. Lame.

After all of this, the cherry on the top is that I forgot to mark the order as delivered until I got to my house like 10 minutes later so it seemed even later than it was. GAH!

Here's my summary - is Shipt a great program for shoppers and clients? Absolutely. Are you going to have tough shops? Inevitably. There are too many variables for it to always go smoothly. Did I get tipped for the giant, late order? Yes I did, $10. Not bad, but I definitely treated myself to some caramel M&Ms and that was probably more satisfying.

Thug Life

Of all the hobbies I dabble in, I probably do cross stitch the least. A lot of what I want to stitch is either inappropriate to hang in a home with young children or Halloween-themed. Also, I'm terrible about getting frames for the finished product. I have a pretty great sugar skull cross stitch that I completed a few years ago and it took me at least another year to remember to get a frame for it. 

Cute, right?

I still haven't hung it up lol. 

Anyway, I've recently started to do cross stitch again because a friend of mine (male, 20's) mentioned liking the cross stitch patterns that look old fashioned but say something unexpected.  His favorite was "Damn, it feels good to be a gangsta" and I was thrilled. FINALLY someone appreciates weird cross stitch! For his birthday I made him this: 

Look, I even found a cool frame lol!

My friend gave every indication that he loved the strange gift so I made him this for Christmas:

Well, I began it before Christmas with every intention of giving it to him then, but I didn't actually finish it until like a week ago. I always forget that I'm tired and busy around the holidays and that it's a bad time to try to do time-consuming projects. So yeah, it still lacks a frame. I'm going to try to get one this weekend because I know me - if I don't do it now, I will just hold on to the piece for another month... year... decade... 

I have one more cross stitch project in the works, at least 5 unfinished crochet projects, a painting I want to complete for my husband, and countless other projects in various stages all over my craft room. I have a fertile imagination and hands that like to create but I don't always have the time, materials, or know-how required lol. From now on, I'll post them here when I finish them. 

Until next time! 

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Me, desperately applying myself to side-hustles

So.

Before I launch into the changes that you will see around this Words Have Power, I just want to remind everyone that I am not a fast bloomer or an early adapter. To me, it feels very much like I'm reinventing this blog when, in fact, I'm just going to start using it for its intended purpose. I'm so far behind in this concept, I'm practically vintage.What can I say, self-promotion and public vulnerability are NOT my wheelhouse. I'm much better at self-deprecation, deflection, perhaps even... stalling?

Surely not...

Anyway - here's the general idea: I will post far more often. I will post things like book reviews, songs that move me, my latest artwork or craft project, and writing from prompts. I will post pieces of my work that are for sale and pieces of my work that are so comically horrible, they will likely become memes.  I might even post videos of the work in progress; those are super-fun to watch. I will let you know what I struggle with and when I succeed. I will try to be vulnerable in a way that is true and not sugar-coated. I will integrate my Facebook shop and my Pinterest boards for more of a well-rounded presence. I will, as I said, use the blog for its intended purpose.

Right now, I'm struggling to move my handmade jewelry from my personal Facebook page to the business one. The system is clunky and slow and has repeatedly sited me for items that are against Facebook Marketplace policies when they are actually just pearl or crystal earrings. Also, I think it's easier to add items from your phone to Facebook than it is to do so from a laptop - is this on purpose? Are most people not using their laptop to handle business stuff? Typing out descriptions is so annoying on my phone.

Should be fun. Hope you come along.

Job Searching

Is there anything worse than looking for a job?

I can't think of anything that is harder on my self-esteem. I always start out pretty optimistic; I've had jobs in the past, clearly I'm hire-able. I've been in management, worked with owners, created documents and policies that shaped an entire company. I am smart, competent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going. I'm a catch! Of course I'll get a job, a great job with great pay and benefits. I search far and wide and send out supremely confident cover letters.

After a couple of weeks, I start thinking, "Maybe the universe is waiting to deliver a perfect job at the perfect moment and I just need to hang in there and be patient." I apply for a number of jobs I secretly hope I don't get but that would pay well enough. I find a few dream-job postings and agonize over the application. I do not get called by the good-enough jobs or the dream-jobs. I do not get called at all. And I suddenly realize that I'm going to have to start delivering groceries to have any kind of income at all.

I start to get cynical. Really, $11 an hour and I'm supposed to be a secretary, payroll, HR, and the janitor staff but somehow have a bachelors degree in a related field? I must have a proof that my actions were the clear cause of financial gain for companies I worked for in the past - unless you're in advertising or investments, how could you even prove that? Sometimes the job descriptions warn you that the culture is very specific and that only a certain kind of person will succeed there. It's a clear indication that those employees are going to treat you like shit until you somehow win them over. Some job descriptions include a stern list of things that are completely unacceptable at this "laid back" company (absolutely no jeans, cell phones, or aluminum foil allowed on site! Must like working outside or sitting on the floor! Must be comfortable caring for the owner's dogs! Must only eat nut-, gluten-, and meat-free foods at your desk because who has time for lunch, amiright??) and reading it makes you feel like you've found the manifesto of some insane cult. Every job posting demands that employees care about the company like entrepreneurs, work long hours, wear multiple hats in a fast-paced, ever-changing position, and derive their satisfaction from a job well-done, not well-paid.

Maybe when I was younger, I would have been more interested in job descriptions like these. Maybe I would have thought that the exclusivity made it more special somehow. Maybe I would have loved the idea of investing a ton of time and energy into a company that, at the end of the day, someone else profits from. Someone lounging on a boat in the tropics while I eat yogurt at my desk at 7 pm.

Now I'm just disappointed. I've worked the long hours and "taken ownership" of my positions. I've  cleaned bathrooms and I've been a member of a management team. I've taken to the internet and tried to sell handmade jewelry and scarves and a gorgeous, unworn wedding dress (all still available as absolutely no one is interested in anything coming from me). I've tried to visualize getting a great job or a financial windfall through manifestation. I've already done all this stuff and that experience and effort amounts to a hill of beans. Not gonna lie, it feels like the universe is avoiding me. Like, if the universe was a person, they would give me a polite smile in the hallway but refuse to make eye contact. If someone brought me up in a conversation with the universe, they would react like this:

I know that I have so much to be grateful for: friends, family, experiences, etc. I know this. I guess I'm just venting, yelling into the void. What I'm saying is, I'm discouraged. I feel like instead of nurturing and helping my family, I'm dragging it down with me. I feel like, ultimately,  I am without value.

Day 5 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 5 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge

List 5 Places You Want to Visit

Oh man, just 5? I'm gonna have to group some places together.

1. Ireland and the British Isles. I want to see it all. All the historical sites, museums, pubs, live music, misty cliffs, the new mixed in with the old. I want to spend a lot of time and immerse myself in the places that have an amazing vibe. I want to make friends and see the stuff tourists don't usually see, eat the local food and try new drinks.

2. Hawaii. The more I hear about it, the more I want to go. I want to hike and play in the water and experience a true tropical place.

3. Oregon. I totally want to see the northwest region of the US. I'm very interested in checking out Portland. I have a friend who goes there frequently and he thinks I would love it.

4. Colorado. I love mountains. It just looks so beautiful there and I think there is a very "maker" sort of spirit there that I would like to check out.

5. Santa Fe, New Mexico. I want to check out all of the art and artisan products!

Really, I want to go everywhere. If someone suggested a vacation to just about anywhere, I would be on board. I liked the cruise I went on and I want to go on more cruises. A friend of mine cruised the Rhine and I was crazy jealous! There is a ton of stuff in Austria, Holland, Iceland, Germany, Greece, Romania, etc etc that I want to see and experience. It's a whole wide world out there and I want to get so see it!

Day 1: 30 Day Writing Challenge

One of the biggest problems I have with writing consistently is that I get overwhelmed by ideas. I could do this or this or this thing and this is possible and what about that? And it's too much so I just don't write. I'm also a crazy perfectionist. Like many writers, I have trouble with my internal editor. That bitch won't shut up so I write 3 words and change two of them. It's hard to get anything done when you are still obsessing about the first sentence. I think the only cure for this is to write more. Just vomit up words until I stop reading them and just let them happen. But I suppose we'll see.

There are a lot of writing challenges out there. I chose this one because my instinct is to attempt to write a piece of flash fiction. Unfortunately, my inner editor has not allowed me to finish something I started about 2 weeks ago so I already know that isn't a viable path. I decided to go with a challenge that was skewed toward journaling. It will force me to be vulnerable (which is another struggle for me) and to write every day but hopefully it will trigger my editor less.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy.

1. Snuggling my son. This morning, he crawled into bed with me. I put my arm around him and he relaxed into me and we both fell back to sleep. Heaven.

2. Sleeping late and taking naps. I'm always tired. It's just a given. But I have this weird relationship with sleep. I've gone through months of struggles with insomnia in the past but that's not my problem now. At night, I don't want to go to bed because I'm conceding that the day is over and I dread the start of a new day. If my sleep is interrupted more than a couple of times, I feel exhausted in the morning. I've tried becoming an early riser but the combination of letting go of the previous day and greeting the new day before it's even dawned makes it a difficult habit for me. It feels like punishment. On the other hand, sleeping in and napping feels like a luxury. Plus, it's healing to me in a way that very little else is. If I have the flu or a migraine, I sleep. If I'm depressed or overwhelmed, I sleep. It's my reset button; I turn myself off and turn myself back on again and it usually works.

3. Creating. Whether I am writing, sculpting, painting, making jewelry - whatever it is - I love it. That feeling where time goes away and your ego is gone and you just lean into the process and let it take over; I live for that feeling. It's like being bathed in a divine light, it's like the universe is rushing through you and you are a perfect part of the whole because you are fulfilling your purpose. Seeing other people in that zone or connecting with other people's art (visual, musical, etc) is a close second; it's intensely moving and inspiring and can even be erotic.

4. Reading.
5. Hiking and being outdoors.
6. Orgasms. Because obvious.

7. Zingers. When I spontaneously come up with a great pun or clever turn of phrase, it's magical. It's almost as magical to hear someone else do it. I like clever comedies. stand-up comics, and funny friends.

8. Champagne. It's so good and I rarely have it. Bonus points: kissing someone and tasting champagne on their lips.

9. Trying new things and going new places. I feel energized and brave and ALIVE.

10. The beach (especially South Padre). I don't get tired of looking at the sea and the sky. I don't get tired of the sound of the waves or the spicy scent of the water. I would love to spend more time there.

So there, I did it. Obviously, it's not everything that makes me happy and maybe it's not even the Top 10, depending on the day. But it got me thinking and writing and that was the point. You should do the challenge too, you know. Feel free to write your own answers. You don't have to go in depth like I did or share it with anyone but at least give it some thought.

Begin Again

I'm starting over. 

You are a vital part of that. I'm working on a lot of things and I need you to help me. 

(No pressure.)

I finished my children's book The Grumpus - well, I finished the latest draft. I'll be attending a revision class this month so there will likely be at least one more draft. At any rate, it's done-ish and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Self-publish? Find an illustrator? Submit it somewhere? Do I need an agent? I have no idea. And what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. That's gotta change. I need to get The Grumpus out there, if only to prove to myself that I can.

I need to write and I need to become comfortable with being vulnerable. So I thought I'd begin a writing blog. Part journal, part flash fiction, part book review, part sounding-board; this many-headed beast will be my new best friend. I hope. My brain is constantly abuzz with plots and characters and ideas and I'm going to start writing them down. And then I'm going to show them to you. ::Shrieking in terror:: That will become another book and it will be wonderful and imperfect and we will have made that possible together. 

 I really struggle with being vulnerable so I can't promise that some of the entries won't be incredibly awkward but I'm hoping to power though that. One of the qualities I most admire is raw honesty; that rare ability to be real without being cruel and without fear of other people's judgement. Amanda Palmer does this beautifully - she really lives her life, and she does so unapologetically. She's imperfect, her life is imperfect, and it doesn't stop her from doing one thing. I ... am not like that. But I can learn. I can keep trying. (Side note: I'm actually not a huge fan of Amanda's music but I find her life and her art very inspiring)

I can't promise you the smoothest journey, or even one that makes any sense, but I can confidently say that it will be an adventure. It will be full of anxiety, laughter, side notes, weird observations, tears, and so many words and I am so grateful that you are coming along with me. 

Thank you in advance.