Projects for Daaaaaaaays!

As you know, I love making things. Unfortunately, I do have trouble completing projects. If something is a quick fix (just needs a drop of glue), I will never get around to it. Never. I have no idea why. If I'm working on a new skill, I will hammer away at it until I feel confident about my technique and then lose interest in the project as a whole. For instance, I learned how to make a quilt out of fabric pieces that are crocheted together and I probably did about half of it before I put it down and forgot all about it. That was like, 5 years ago! Remember that Thug Life cross stitch I did for my good friend John? Still unframed as are the 2 watercolor projects I completed a couple of weeks ago. I look right at them everyday; still, no progress.

Just staring at me and waiting....

I'm trying to improve as a human being and make myself proud so I've been working on this. I found like 5 things that just needed super glue and *boom* finished them. I also hung up 2 pictures that I'd just never gotten around to, cleaned my craft room, and went through my fabric. Wow, this is what it feels like to complete things? I felt like a super hero! I pulled out an unfinished crochet project to continue my streak of success.

But... then one of the pictures fell off the hanger because the material was too porous and I realized that the crochet project was tedious so, naturally, I ABANDONED EVERYTHING AGAIN AND STARTED A NEW PROJECT.

Here's a picture of the shawl I just started:

To be honest, I haven't picked up this guy in a week either lol

Siiiiigh.... Much like my projects, I am a work in progress. I have good intentions and enthusiasm but it takes me a little time to get out of my own way.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Me, desperately applying myself to side-hustles

So.

Before I launch into the changes that you will see around this Words Have Power, I just want to remind everyone that I am not a fast bloomer or an early adapter. To me, it feels very much like I'm reinventing this blog when, in fact, I'm just going to start using it for its intended purpose. I'm so far behind in this concept, I'm practically vintage.What can I say, self-promotion and public vulnerability are NOT my wheelhouse. I'm much better at self-deprecation, deflection, perhaps even... stalling?

Surely not...

Anyway - here's the general idea: I will post far more often. I will post things like book reviews, songs that move me, my latest artwork or craft project, and writing from prompts. I will post pieces of my work that are for sale and pieces of my work that are so comically horrible, they will likely become memes.  I might even post videos of the work in progress; those are super-fun to watch. I will let you know what I struggle with and when I succeed. I will try to be vulnerable in a way that is true and not sugar-coated. I will integrate my Facebook shop and my Pinterest boards for more of a well-rounded presence. I will, as I said, use the blog for its intended purpose.

Right now, I'm struggling to move my handmade jewelry from my personal Facebook page to the business one. The system is clunky and slow and has repeatedly sited me for items that are against Facebook Marketplace policies when they are actually just pearl or crystal earrings. Also, I think it's easier to add items from your phone to Facebook than it is to do so from a laptop - is this on purpose? Are most people not using their laptop to handle business stuff? Typing out descriptions is so annoying on my phone.

Should be fun. Hope you come along.

Day 11 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 11 - Something that you always think "what if..." about

Sorry about this post, here's a bunny to offset the trauma lol

Oh my. Well. I don't think I'm alone here in saying that we all have life choices we'd like to change. I went out of my way to sabotage my life early; or at least it seems that way, looking back on it. When I really think about it though, it wasn't so much that I wanted my life to trend downward, I just didn't have necessary support and life skills to do better.

In junior high and high school, I was a complete mess. I had all these big emotions and deep depression and no outlet for them. I wrote a lot (poetry, looooong letters I never sent, suicide notes, and self-eulogies - what I imagine is the usual depressed kid wheelhouse) and read a lot and listened to music but I could only manage myself, not make changes or improvements.

During this time in my life, and for probably 15 years after, I was only reacting to stimulus. I wasn't proactive. I didn't make plans for the future. I distracted myself and smoothed things over. I didn't try to think things through or wonder what was roiling beneath my surface. I just knew the surface was dark and damaged and chaotic and assumed everything underneath would be the same.

I think people who know me now would be very surprised to know the girl I was. I was nothing but hard angles, black and white lines, secrets, lies, and blind eyes. I was a fire that could somehow burn itself along with everyone else. I was silence and shouting and self-denial personified. I was a septic open wound with combat boots and fishnet stockings.

FYI, I was recently described as rainbow sprinkles. Just goes to show you how funny life is, though not always in a "haha" kind of way.

What if, during that time, I had seen a really good therapist? What could have changed in my life? It boggles the mind.

Maybe I wouldn't have married a guy almost 12 years older than me when I was 17. Maybe I would have learned to be independent and to hold on to myself. Maybe I would have gone to college and followed my dreams instead of surrounding myself with failure and defiance. Maybe I could have avoided some of the obstacles and pain. Maybe I wouldn't have had to fight so much, so hard, for so long.

All those experiences and decisions (or lack of decisions) led me to this incarnation of myself. I know we're supposed to say "I wouldn't change a thing; I am who I am because of my past" but I have never felt that kind of loyalty to the person I have become. If I could, I'd ball up the clay of my youth and reshape it into something beautiful, or at least useful.

Day 3 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Haha, so it's not the 3rd consecutive day but I'm picking up where I left off. Consistency is clearly a problem. Right now I have a unique situation though - I am unemployed. I'll write a whole thing about that later but for right now, just know that I have more time to write now. Because that's what writers do, they write.

Day 3 - What are your top three pet peeves?

Oh my goodness. Top 3, that's hard to narrow down. Am I a terrible person because of that? Probably.

#1 - People who won't shut the fuck up and move the fuck away from me. There are so many instances of this in my life but there are definitely two that stand out.

The first guy used to corner me at work so I could listen to lot of bragging and long-winded stories that were not entertaining. He was completely immune to my discomfort and annoyance. I stepped it up by ignoring him or telling him "I'm busy, I gotta go, etc" and that worked zero percent. I even tried to get my boss to intervene on my behalf. He just wouldn't shut up.

I talk a good sass game but I am ultimately polite to a fault. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or get confrontational, partially because I am either a 1 or a 10 on the emotional outburst scale. I let situations like this go for so long, hoping they will just magically work out without intervention, that I become even more hesitant to speak up for fear that I will either be too nice or I will come across as a hysterical woman.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I started avoiding him. In an office of around 100 people, this was pretty difficult. I had to stop going to the break room, I tried to avoid going to the bathroom, I parked in a different area, I used the least-convenient stairs, and I carefully timed my exits. It was a huge part of my day to avoid that guy.

I met the second guy when I was attempting to be a part of organized religion. He had a big, booming voice that he would use to repeat himself incessantly, parrot movie quotes, and generally be a pompous asshole. He was also incredibly selfish and a horrible husband and father. It was painful to witness. No one liked him; no one. He was THE WORST. But it was church, so everyone had to be fake nice and put up with him.

When I imagine what hell would be like, I assume it's just me in a room with those two.

#2 - Attempts to manipulate me, especially "guilting" me. I hate this so much. I tend to get into relationships with narcissistic people and then realize that I am being manipulated only after years of feeling like a crazy person. Like I said, I am usually nice to a fault and I believe people are basically decent so it's always a huge shock to discover I'm being lied to and manipulated. I'm getting better at spotting it but it does make me unusually hostile towards sales people, hahahaha!

#3 - Repetitive sounds. I like music with a good beat. I hate when you are in traffic and all you can hear is the beat in someone else's car. I hate when people turn up the bass super loud. I hate the sound of clocks ticking. I hate when a fan gets imbalanced and starts making a rhythmic click, an appliance makes a weird sound, or something in the car is rattling. These sounds makes me so anxious that I have to stop what I'm doing and try to fix it. It feels like my skin is trying to jump off my body and I actually feel nauseated. Ugh so awful!

Begin Again

I'm starting over. 

You are a vital part of that. I'm working on a lot of things and I need you to help me. 

(No pressure.)

I finished my children's book The Grumpus - well, I finished the latest draft. I'll be attending a revision class this month so there will likely be at least one more draft. At any rate, it's done-ish and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Self-publish? Find an illustrator? Submit it somewhere? Do I need an agent? I have no idea. And what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. That's gotta change. I need to get The Grumpus out there, if only to prove to myself that I can.

I need to write and I need to become comfortable with being vulnerable. So I thought I'd begin a writing blog. Part journal, part flash fiction, part book review, part sounding-board; this many-headed beast will be my new best friend. I hope. My brain is constantly abuzz with plots and characters and ideas and I'm going to start writing them down. And then I'm going to show them to you. ::Shrieking in terror:: That will become another book and it will be wonderful and imperfect and we will have made that possible together. 

 I really struggle with being vulnerable so I can't promise that some of the entries won't be incredibly awkward but I'm hoping to power though that. One of the qualities I most admire is raw honesty; that rare ability to be real without being cruel and without fear of other people's judgement. Amanda Palmer does this beautifully - she really lives her life, and she does so unapologetically. She's imperfect, her life is imperfect, and it doesn't stop her from doing one thing. I ... am not like that. But I can learn. I can keep trying. (Side note: I'm actually not a huge fan of Amanda's music but I find her life and her art very inspiring)

I can't promise you the smoothest journey, or even one that makes any sense, but I can confidently say that it will be an adventure. It will be full of anxiety, laughter, side notes, weird observations, tears, and so many words and I am so grateful that you are coming along with me. 

Thank you in advance.