Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

Me, desperately applying myself to side-hustles

So.

Before I launch into the changes that you will see around this Words Have Power, I just want to remind everyone that I am not a fast bloomer or an early adapter. To me, it feels very much like I'm reinventing this blog when, in fact, I'm just going to start using it for its intended purpose. I'm so far behind in this concept, I'm practically vintage.What can I say, self-promotion and public vulnerability are NOT my wheelhouse. I'm much better at self-deprecation, deflection, perhaps even... stalling?

Surely not...

Anyway - here's the general idea: I will post far more often. I will post things like book reviews, songs that move me, my latest artwork or craft project, and writing from prompts. I will post pieces of my work that are for sale and pieces of my work that are so comically horrible, they will likely become memes.  I might even post videos of the work in progress; those are super-fun to watch. I will let you know what I struggle with and when I succeed. I will try to be vulnerable in a way that is true and not sugar-coated. I will integrate my Facebook shop and my Pinterest boards for more of a well-rounded presence. I will, as I said, use the blog for its intended purpose.

Right now, I'm struggling to move my handmade jewelry from my personal Facebook page to the business one. The system is clunky and slow and has repeatedly sited me for items that are against Facebook Marketplace policies when they are actually just pearl or crystal earrings. Also, I think it's easier to add items from your phone to Facebook than it is to do so from a laptop - is this on purpose? Are most people not using their laptop to handle business stuff? Typing out descriptions is so annoying on my phone.

Should be fun. Hope you come along.

Day 8 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 8 - Share Something You Struggle With

Good grief, it might be easier for me to list the things I don't struggle with.

The biggest struggle I'm facing right now is my lack of focus. I read a lot of advice/self-help stuff and the key to getting your ideal life always seems to be laser-like focus.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere.  I have literally taken 3 breaks just while writing this far. Once, because I was getting a headache from not wearing my glasses - why was I even at the computer without my glasses to begin with? The next time was because I clicked over to Facebook for no reason and browsed like 6 things in my feed before remembering that I'm supposed to be writing. The third time I walked around my kitchen aimlessly and then got cereal (my stomach is off, as usual) before I remembered that I was in there to take an allergy pill. So yeah. That's a 10 minute slice of my day and I'm always like that.

I read a book (fib: I read the first few chapters) about female ADD/ADHD and it seems like a reasonable diagnosis for me when you look at the symptoms. I was thinking of myself as a lazy, absent-minded procrastinator so it was a relief to think that maybe it has more to do with the way my brain works than being a deeply flawed person.

Being this easily distracted means that I forget to finish things that I started because I've already moved on to something new. I have trouble cleaning house because I start reading a magazine I found while picking up. Or I'll stop sweeping because I remember that I set a goal to do laundry so I go into my room to get clothes which reminds me that I need to make the bed but maybe I shouldn't because I meant to wash the sheets yesterday anyway and wow, I need to put away this jewelry before I start losing earrings, what was that thing on Pinterest to organize jewelry and make up? Down the rabbit hole I go, only to emerge when I realize that it's time to pick up Alex from school and I have nothing  to show for my day.

Hilariously, there is an opposite to this as well. I will focus on one thing to the exclusion of all other stimulus. Usually, it's because I'm doing something creative and I'm in the zone. I can't hear my name being called in this mode. I can't follow a conversation or finish a sentence because I'm so physically and mentally involved with whatever it is. Sometimes I emerge from this state disoriented or drained. While it's exhausting and difficult to explain to other people, I prefer this version of myself because it's so productive and because the feeling in the zone is so sharp and euphoric.

I'm working on achieving more of those "in the zone" periods. I'm trying to set goals and create rules for myself; I'm using apps for meditation and developing good habits. I want to do better and to be more but, yeah, it's definitely a struggle.

Day 5 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 5 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge

List 5 Places You Want to Visit

Oh man, just 5? I'm gonna have to group some places together.

1. Ireland and the British Isles. I want to see it all. All the historical sites, museums, pubs, live music, misty cliffs, the new mixed in with the old. I want to spend a lot of time and immerse myself in the places that have an amazing vibe. I want to make friends and see the stuff tourists don't usually see, eat the local food and try new drinks.

2. Hawaii. The more I hear about it, the more I want to go. I want to hike and play in the water and experience a true tropical place.

3. Oregon. I totally want to see the northwest region of the US. I'm very interested in checking out Portland. I have a friend who goes there frequently and he thinks I would love it.

4. Colorado. I love mountains. It just looks so beautiful there and I think there is a very "maker" sort of spirit there that I would like to check out.

5. Santa Fe, New Mexico. I want to check out all of the art and artisan products!

Really, I want to go everywhere. If someone suggested a vacation to just about anywhere, I would be on board. I liked the cruise I went on and I want to go on more cruises. A friend of mine cruised the Rhine and I was crazy jealous! There is a ton of stuff in Austria, Holland, Iceland, Germany, Greece, Romania, etc etc that I want to see and experience. It's a whole wide world out there and I want to get so see it!

Day 3 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Haha, so it's not the 3rd consecutive day but I'm picking up where I left off. Consistency is clearly a problem. Right now I have a unique situation though - I am unemployed. I'll write a whole thing about that later but for right now, just know that I have more time to write now. Because that's what writers do, they write.

Day 3 - What are your top three pet peeves?

Oh my goodness. Top 3, that's hard to narrow down. Am I a terrible person because of that? Probably.

#1 - People who won't shut the fuck up and move the fuck away from me. There are so many instances of this in my life but there are definitely two that stand out.

The first guy used to corner me at work so I could listen to lot of bragging and long-winded stories that were not entertaining. He was completely immune to my discomfort and annoyance. I stepped it up by ignoring him or telling him "I'm busy, I gotta go, etc" and that worked zero percent. I even tried to get my boss to intervene on my behalf. He just wouldn't shut up.

I talk a good sass game but I am ultimately polite to a fault. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or get confrontational, partially because I am either a 1 or a 10 on the emotional outburst scale. I let situations like this go for so long, hoping they will just magically work out without intervention, that I become even more hesitant to speak up for fear that I will either be too nice or I will come across as a hysterical woman.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I started avoiding him. In an office of around 100 people, this was pretty difficult. I had to stop going to the break room, I tried to avoid going to the bathroom, I parked in a different area, I used the least-convenient stairs, and I carefully timed my exits. It was a huge part of my day to avoid that guy.

I met the second guy when I was attempting to be a part of organized religion. He had a big, booming voice that he would use to repeat himself incessantly, parrot movie quotes, and generally be a pompous asshole. He was also incredibly selfish and a horrible husband and father. It was painful to witness. No one liked him; no one. He was THE WORST. But it was church, so everyone had to be fake nice and put up with him.

When I imagine what hell would be like, I assume it's just me in a room with those two.

#2 - Attempts to manipulate me, especially "guilting" me. I hate this so much. I tend to get into relationships with narcissistic people and then realize that I am being manipulated only after years of feeling like a crazy person. Like I said, I am usually nice to a fault and I believe people are basically decent so it's always a huge shock to discover I'm being lied to and manipulated. I'm getting better at spotting it but it does make me unusually hostile towards sales people, hahahaha!

#3 - Repetitive sounds. I like music with a good beat. I hate when you are in traffic and all you can hear is the beat in someone else's car. I hate when people turn up the bass super loud. I hate the sound of clocks ticking. I hate when a fan gets imbalanced and starts making a rhythmic click, an appliance makes a weird sound, or something in the car is rattling. These sounds makes me so anxious that I have to stop what I'm doing and try to fix it. It feels like my skin is trying to jump off my body and I actually feel nauseated. Ugh so awful!

Writing from a Prompt: Sunrise

Until that day, I had never watched the sun rise. Oh, I'd skulked home from some ill deed in the waning shadows and stumbled out of many a tavern in the wee hours of morning.  But, wrapped up in my haste or stupor, I'd never seen the stars slowly dim into a rosy-hued sky. I had no idea the sun would slip up behind the citadel and slide gently around each of the spires until the whole structure seemed gilded in the sun's golden light. The city itself, once clad in the misty shrouds of night, was gradually reborn in a riot of color and sound. It as as if the world were new again, and I was too, just for having seen it.

Day 1: 30 Day Writing Challenge

One of the biggest problems I have with writing consistently is that I get overwhelmed by ideas. I could do this or this or this thing and this is possible and what about that? And it's too much so I just don't write. I'm also a crazy perfectionist. Like many writers, I have trouble with my internal editor. That bitch won't shut up so I write 3 words and change two of them. It's hard to get anything done when you are still obsessing about the first sentence. I think the only cure for this is to write more. Just vomit up words until I stop reading them and just let them happen. But I suppose we'll see.

There are a lot of writing challenges out there. I chose this one because my instinct is to attempt to write a piece of flash fiction. Unfortunately, my inner editor has not allowed me to finish something I started about 2 weeks ago so I already know that isn't a viable path. I decided to go with a challenge that was skewed toward journaling. It will force me to be vulnerable (which is another struggle for me) and to write every day but hopefully it will trigger my editor less.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy.

1. Snuggling my son. This morning, he crawled into bed with me. I put my arm around him and he relaxed into me and we both fell back to sleep. Heaven.

2. Sleeping late and taking naps. I'm always tired. It's just a given. But I have this weird relationship with sleep. I've gone through months of struggles with insomnia in the past but that's not my problem now. At night, I don't want to go to bed because I'm conceding that the day is over and I dread the start of a new day. If my sleep is interrupted more than a couple of times, I feel exhausted in the morning. I've tried becoming an early riser but the combination of letting go of the previous day and greeting the new day before it's even dawned makes it a difficult habit for me. It feels like punishment. On the other hand, sleeping in and napping feels like a luxury. Plus, it's healing to me in a way that very little else is. If I have the flu or a migraine, I sleep. If I'm depressed or overwhelmed, I sleep. It's my reset button; I turn myself off and turn myself back on again and it usually works.

3. Creating. Whether I am writing, sculpting, painting, making jewelry - whatever it is - I love it. That feeling where time goes away and your ego is gone and you just lean into the process and let it take over; I live for that feeling. It's like being bathed in a divine light, it's like the universe is rushing through you and you are a perfect part of the whole because you are fulfilling your purpose. Seeing other people in that zone or connecting with other people's art (visual, musical, etc) is a close second; it's intensely moving and inspiring and can even be erotic.

4. Reading.
5. Hiking and being outdoors.
6. Orgasms. Because obvious.

7. Zingers. When I spontaneously come up with a great pun or clever turn of phrase, it's magical. It's almost as magical to hear someone else do it. I like clever comedies. stand-up comics, and funny friends.

8. Champagne. It's so good and I rarely have it. Bonus points: kissing someone and tasting champagne on their lips.

9. Trying new things and going new places. I feel energized and brave and ALIVE.

10. The beach (especially South Padre). I don't get tired of looking at the sea and the sky. I don't get tired of the sound of the waves or the spicy scent of the water. I would love to spend more time there.

So there, I did it. Obviously, it's not everything that makes me happy and maybe it's not even the Top 10, depending on the day. But it got me thinking and writing and that was the point. You should do the challenge too, you know. Feel free to write your own answers. You don't have to go in depth like I did or share it with anyone but at least give it some thought.

My Inside Voice

You know how we like to tell rowdy kids "use your inside voice"?

This is not that.

This is my Inside Voice, the running monologue in my brain. It's the voice that most people don't know about because I try to be Nice.

After all:

       "You attract more flies with honey than vinegar."

Well, I'm not collecting flies here.

"Nice" is a dangerous word, especially for a woman, because it's a weapon in the hands of everyone but you. Nice means keeping your opinion to yourself or sugar-coating it. Nice is giving away ownership of your feelings and your power to keep others comfortable and happy. It means smiling even though you are uncomfortable, angry, or hurt because burdening other people is Not Nice. Nice girls are lying, self-conscious doormats.

The opposite of Nice varies with the situation but, unless you are under the age of 7, the opposite of Nice is not Mean. Sometimes the opposite of Nice is Selfish. Sometimes it's Lazy or Rude or Opinionated or Ungrateful. Sometimes it's High Maintenance; as though simply having wants and needs is offensive to the rest of the world. 

This is my blog and I'm going to use my Inside Voice. You are going to learn things about me that you will not like. You might be surprised and upset by my opinions and beliefs. I will read and write things that will make you uncomfortable. I will probably say "fuck" a lot because Words Have Power and I get to choose my own words and wield my own power. I don't say and do these things to hurt you, though I am almost certain it will be interpreted that way. I'm going to say and do these things because my Inside Voice isn't going to be Nice all the time, it won't be stifled or minimized to please you. I am sorry for the way that makes you feel but I will not be sorry for living my version of my life instead of yours.

Fresh Ink

Well, the ink's not that fresh, I got this tattoo for my birthday (December, btw) but I didn't post it on Facebook or anything. It was enough for me just to have it and to be so in love with it.

Obviously, I feel very deeply about this phrase - it's been permanently etched into my skin and it's the title of my blog. It's even on my business cards. To me, it seems fairly self-explanatory, but I get asked "why?" a lot so I will attempt to address that here.

1 - Words Have Power: As a writer, words are what shape my experience. They name and describe and define. Words are the foundation of my life and I'm going to use them to enhance my present and build my future. I love words, the way they look and the way they sound. I love fonts and naked paper and pens and sharp pencils and those breathless moments when I can't keep up with the words that are spilling out of me. I love curse words and sacred words and made up words and those stupid, mundane words that you inexplicably forget how to spell halfway through a sentence.

2 - Words Have Power: Words have an equal capacity to heal and to wound. As a mother, as a wife, as a human being, I need to always remember that my words are powerful and to use them wisely.

3- Words Have Power: Whatever you tell yourself everyday, whatever words you use to describe your life or yourself, that is your reality. Change those words and you will change your life. Intention is so important. "Fuck you" can be an endearment and "Hodor" can be a conversation, it all comes down to your intention.

So there you have it. Words Have Power. It's incredibly obvious and simple but I hope to live by it.

Begin Again

I'm starting over. 

You are a vital part of that. I'm working on a lot of things and I need you to help me. 

(No pressure.)

I finished my children's book The Grumpus - well, I finished the latest draft. I'll be attending a revision class this month so there will likely be at least one more draft. At any rate, it's done-ish and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Self-publish? Find an illustrator? Submit it somewhere? Do I need an agent? I have no idea. And what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. That's gotta change. I need to get The Grumpus out there, if only to prove to myself that I can.

I need to write and I need to become comfortable with being vulnerable. So I thought I'd begin a writing blog. Part journal, part flash fiction, part book review, part sounding-board; this many-headed beast will be my new best friend. I hope. My brain is constantly abuzz with plots and characters and ideas and I'm going to start writing them down. And then I'm going to show them to you. ::Shrieking in terror:: That will become another book and it will be wonderful and imperfect and we will have made that possible together. 

 I really struggle with being vulnerable so I can't promise that some of the entries won't be incredibly awkward but I'm hoping to power though that. One of the qualities I most admire is raw honesty; that rare ability to be real without being cruel and without fear of other people's judgement. Amanda Palmer does this beautifully - she really lives her life, and she does so unapologetically. She's imperfect, her life is imperfect, and it doesn't stop her from doing one thing. I ... am not like that. But I can learn. I can keep trying. (Side note: I'm actually not a huge fan of Amanda's music but I find her life and her art very inspiring)

I can't promise you the smoothest journey, or even one that makes any sense, but I can confidently say that it will be an adventure. It will be full of anxiety, laughter, side notes, weird observations, tears, and so many words and I am so grateful that you are coming along with me. 

Thank you in advance.