Job Searching

Is there anything worse than looking for a job?

I can't think of anything that is harder on my self-esteem. I always start out pretty optimistic; I've had jobs in the past, clearly I'm hire-able. I've been in management, worked with owners, created documents and policies that shaped an entire company. I am smart, competent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going. I'm a catch! Of course I'll get a job, a great job with great pay and benefits. I search far and wide and send out supremely confident cover letters.

After a couple of weeks, I start thinking, "Maybe the universe is waiting to deliver a perfect job at the perfect moment and I just need to hang in there and be patient." I apply for a number of jobs I secretly hope I don't get but that would pay well enough. I find a few dream-job postings and agonize over the application. I do not get called by the good-enough jobs or the dream-jobs. I do not get called at all. And I suddenly realize that I'm going to have to start delivering groceries to have any kind of income at all.

I start to get cynical. Really, $11 an hour and I'm supposed to be a secretary, payroll, HR, and the janitor staff but somehow have a bachelors degree in a related field? I must have a proof that my actions were the clear cause of financial gain for companies I worked for in the past - unless you're in advertising or investments, how could you even prove that? Sometimes the job descriptions warn you that the culture is very specific and that only a certain kind of person will succeed there. It's a clear indication that those employees are going to treat you like shit until you somehow win them over. Some job descriptions include a stern list of things that are completely unacceptable at this "laid back" company (absolutely no jeans, cell phones, or aluminum foil allowed on site! Must like working outside or sitting on the floor! Must be comfortable caring for the owner's dogs! Must only eat nut-, gluten-, and meat-free foods at your desk because who has time for lunch, amiright??) and reading it makes you feel like you've found the manifesto of some insane cult. Every job posting demands that employees care about the company like entrepreneurs, work long hours, wear multiple hats in a fast-paced, ever-changing position, and derive their satisfaction from a job well-done, not well-paid.

Maybe when I was younger, I would have been more interested in job descriptions like these. Maybe I would have thought that the exclusivity made it more special somehow. Maybe I would have loved the idea of investing a ton of time and energy into a company that, at the end of the day, someone else profits from. Someone lounging on a boat in the tropics while I eat yogurt at my desk at 7 pm.

Now I'm just disappointed. I've worked the long hours and "taken ownership" of my positions. I've  cleaned bathrooms and I've been a member of a management team. I've taken to the internet and tried to sell handmade jewelry and scarves and a gorgeous, unworn wedding dress (all still available as absolutely no one is interested in anything coming from me). I've tried to visualize getting a great job or a financial windfall through manifestation. I've already done all this stuff and that experience and effort amounts to a hill of beans. Not gonna lie, it feels like the universe is avoiding me. Like, if the universe was a person, they would give me a polite smile in the hallway but refuse to make eye contact. If someone brought me up in a conversation with the universe, they would react like this:

I know that I have so much to be grateful for: friends, family, experiences, etc. I know this. I guess I'm just venting, yelling into the void. What I'm saying is, I'm discouraged. I feel like instead of nurturing and helping my family, I'm dragging it down with me. I feel like, ultimately,  I am without value.

Day 3 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Haha, so it's not the 3rd consecutive day but I'm picking up where I left off. Consistency is clearly a problem. Right now I have a unique situation though - I am unemployed. I'll write a whole thing about that later but for right now, just know that I have more time to write now. Because that's what writers do, they write.

Day 3 - What are your top three pet peeves?

Oh my goodness. Top 3, that's hard to narrow down. Am I a terrible person because of that? Probably.

#1 - People who won't shut the fuck up and move the fuck away from me. There are so many instances of this in my life but there are definitely two that stand out.

The first guy used to corner me at work so I could listen to lot of bragging and long-winded stories that were not entertaining. He was completely immune to my discomfort and annoyance. I stepped it up by ignoring him or telling him "I'm busy, I gotta go, etc" and that worked zero percent. I even tried to get my boss to intervene on my behalf. He just wouldn't shut up.

I talk a good sass game but I am ultimately polite to a fault. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or get confrontational, partially because I am either a 1 or a 10 on the emotional outburst scale. I let situations like this go for so long, hoping they will just magically work out without intervention, that I become even more hesitant to speak up for fear that I will either be too nice or I will come across as a hysterical woman.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I started avoiding him. In an office of around 100 people, this was pretty difficult. I had to stop going to the break room, I tried to avoid going to the bathroom, I parked in a different area, I used the least-convenient stairs, and I carefully timed my exits. It was a huge part of my day to avoid that guy.

I met the second guy when I was attempting to be a part of organized religion. He had a big, booming voice that he would use to repeat himself incessantly, parrot movie quotes, and generally be a pompous asshole. He was also incredibly selfish and a horrible husband and father. It was painful to witness. No one liked him; no one. He was THE WORST. But it was church, so everyone had to be fake nice and put up with him.

When I imagine what hell would be like, I assume it's just me in a room with those two.

#2 - Attempts to manipulate me, especially "guilting" me. I hate this so much. I tend to get into relationships with narcissistic people and then realize that I am being manipulated only after years of feeling like a crazy person. Like I said, I am usually nice to a fault and I believe people are basically decent so it's always a huge shock to discover I'm being lied to and manipulated. I'm getting better at spotting it but it does make me unusually hostile towards sales people, hahahaha!

#3 - Repetitive sounds. I like music with a good beat. I hate when you are in traffic and all you can hear is the beat in someone else's car. I hate when people turn up the bass super loud. I hate the sound of clocks ticking. I hate when a fan gets imbalanced and starts making a rhythmic click, an appliance makes a weird sound, or something in the car is rattling. These sounds makes me so anxious that I have to stop what I'm doing and try to fix it. It feels like my skin is trying to jump off my body and I actually feel nauseated. Ugh so awful!

Writing from a Prompt: Sunrise

Until that day, I had never watched the sun rise. Oh, I'd skulked home from some ill deed in the waning shadows and stumbled out of many a tavern in the wee hours of morning.  But, wrapped up in my haste or stupor, I'd never seen the stars slowly dim into a rosy-hued sky. I had no idea the sun would slip up behind the citadel and slide gently around each of the spires until the whole structure seemed gilded in the sun's golden light. The city itself, once clad in the misty shrouds of night, was gradually reborn in a riot of color and sound. It as as if the world were new again, and I was too, just for having seen it.

Day 1: 30 Day Writing Challenge

One of the biggest problems I have with writing consistently is that I get overwhelmed by ideas. I could do this or this or this thing and this is possible and what about that? And it's too much so I just don't write. I'm also a crazy perfectionist. Like many writers, I have trouble with my internal editor. That bitch won't shut up so I write 3 words and change two of them. It's hard to get anything done when you are still obsessing about the first sentence. I think the only cure for this is to write more. Just vomit up words until I stop reading them and just let them happen. But I suppose we'll see.

There are a lot of writing challenges out there. I chose this one because my instinct is to attempt to write a piece of flash fiction. Unfortunately, my inner editor has not allowed me to finish something I started about 2 weeks ago so I already know that isn't a viable path. I decided to go with a challenge that was skewed toward journaling. It will force me to be vulnerable (which is another struggle for me) and to write every day but hopefully it will trigger my editor less.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy.

1. Snuggling my son. This morning, he crawled into bed with me. I put my arm around him and he relaxed into me and we both fell back to sleep. Heaven.

2. Sleeping late and taking naps. I'm always tired. It's just a given. But I have this weird relationship with sleep. I've gone through months of struggles with insomnia in the past but that's not my problem now. At night, I don't want to go to bed because I'm conceding that the day is over and I dread the start of a new day. If my sleep is interrupted more than a couple of times, I feel exhausted in the morning. I've tried becoming an early riser but the combination of letting go of the previous day and greeting the new day before it's even dawned makes it a difficult habit for me. It feels like punishment. On the other hand, sleeping in and napping feels like a luxury. Plus, it's healing to me in a way that very little else is. If I have the flu or a migraine, I sleep. If I'm depressed or overwhelmed, I sleep. It's my reset button; I turn myself off and turn myself back on again and it usually works.

3. Creating. Whether I am writing, sculpting, painting, making jewelry - whatever it is - I love it. That feeling where time goes away and your ego is gone and you just lean into the process and let it take over; I live for that feeling. It's like being bathed in a divine light, it's like the universe is rushing through you and you are a perfect part of the whole because you are fulfilling your purpose. Seeing other people in that zone or connecting with other people's art (visual, musical, etc) is a close second; it's intensely moving and inspiring and can even be erotic.

4. Reading.
5. Hiking and being outdoors.
6. Orgasms. Because obvious.

7. Zingers. When I spontaneously come up with a great pun or clever turn of phrase, it's magical. It's almost as magical to hear someone else do it. I like clever comedies. stand-up comics, and funny friends.

8. Champagne. It's so good and I rarely have it. Bonus points: kissing someone and tasting champagne on their lips.

9. Trying new things and going new places. I feel energized and brave and ALIVE.

10. The beach (especially South Padre). I don't get tired of looking at the sea and the sky. I don't get tired of the sound of the waves or the spicy scent of the water. I would love to spend more time there.

So there, I did it. Obviously, it's not everything that makes me happy and maybe it's not even the Top 10, depending on the day. But it got me thinking and writing and that was the point. You should do the challenge too, you know. Feel free to write your own answers. You don't have to go in depth like I did or share it with anyone but at least give it some thought.