Day 11 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 11 - Something that you always think "what if..." about

Sorry about this post, here's a bunny to offset the trauma lol

Oh my. Well. I don't think I'm alone here in saying that we all have life choices we'd like to change. I went out of my way to sabotage my life early; or at least it seems that way, looking back on it. When I really think about it though, it wasn't so much that I wanted my life to trend downward, I just didn't have necessary support and life skills to do better.

In junior high and high school, I was a complete mess. I had all these big emotions and deep depression and no outlet for them. I wrote a lot (poetry, looooong letters I never sent, suicide notes, and self-eulogies - what I imagine is the usual depressed kid wheelhouse) and read a lot and listened to music but I could only manage myself, not make changes or improvements.

During this time in my life, and for probably 15 years after, I was only reacting to stimulus. I wasn't proactive. I didn't make plans for the future. I distracted myself and smoothed things over. I didn't try to think things through or wonder what was roiling beneath my surface. I just knew the surface was dark and damaged and chaotic and assumed everything underneath would be the same.

I think people who know me now would be very surprised to know the girl I was. I was nothing but hard angles, black and white lines, secrets, lies, and blind eyes. I was a fire that could somehow burn itself along with everyone else. I was silence and shouting and self-denial personified. I was a septic open wound with combat boots and fishnet stockings.

FYI, I was recently described as rainbow sprinkles. Just goes to show you how funny life is, though not always in a "haha" kind of way.

What if, during that time, I had seen a really good therapist? What could have changed in my life? It boggles the mind.

Maybe I wouldn't have married a guy almost 12 years older than me when I was 17. Maybe I would have learned to be independent and to hold on to myself. Maybe I would have gone to college and followed my dreams instead of surrounding myself with failure and defiance. Maybe I could have avoided some of the obstacles and pain. Maybe I wouldn't have had to fight so much, so hard, for so long.

All those experiences and decisions (or lack of decisions) led me to this incarnation of myself. I know we're supposed to say "I wouldn't change a thing; I am who I am because of my past" but I have never felt that kind of loyalty to the person I have become. If I could, I'd ball up the clay of my youth and reshape it into something beautiful, or at least useful.