I can't think of anything that is harder on my self-esteem. I always start out pretty optimistic; I've had jobs in the past, clearly I'm hire-able. I've been in management, worked with owners, created documents and policies that shaped an entire company. I am smart, competent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going. I'm a catch! Of course I'll get a job, a great job with great pay and benefits. I search far and wide and send out supremely confident cover letters.
After a couple of weeks, I start thinking, "Maybe the universe is waiting to deliver a perfect job at the perfect moment and I just need to hang in there and be patient." I apply for a number of jobs I secretly hope I don't get but that would pay well enough. I find a few dream-job postings and agonize over the application. I do not get called by the good-enough jobs or the dream-jobs. I do not get called at all. And I suddenly realize that I'm going to have to start delivering groceries to have any kind of income at all.
I start to get cynical. Really, $11 an hour and I'm supposed to be a secretary, payroll, HR, and the janitor staff but somehow have a bachelors degree in a related field? I must have a proof that my actions were the clear cause of financial gain for companies I worked for in the past - unless you're in advertising or investments, how could you even prove that? Sometimes the job descriptions warn you that the culture is very specific and that only a certain kind of person will succeed there. It's a clear indication that those employees are going to treat you like shit until you somehow win them over. Some job descriptions include a stern list of things that are completely unacceptable at this "laid back" company (absolutely no jeans, cell phones, or aluminum foil allowed on site! Must like working outside or sitting on the floor! Must be comfortable caring for the owner's dogs! Must only eat nut-, gluten-, and meat-free foods at your desk because who has time for lunch, amiright??) and reading it makes you feel like you've found the manifesto of some insane cult. Every job posting demands that employees care about the company like entrepreneurs, work long hours, wear multiple hats in a fast-paced, ever-changing position, and derive their satisfaction from a job well-done, not well-paid.
Maybe when I was younger, I would have been more interested in job descriptions like these. Maybe I would have thought that the exclusivity made it more special somehow. Maybe I would have loved the idea of investing a ton of time and energy into a company that, at the end of the day, someone else profits from. Someone lounging on a boat in the tropics while I eat yogurt at my desk at 7 pm.
Now I'm just disappointed. I've worked the long hours and "taken ownership" of my positions. I've cleaned bathrooms and I've been a member of a management team. I've taken to the internet and tried to sell handmade jewelry and scarves and a gorgeous, unworn wedding dress (all still available as absolutely no one is interested in anything coming from me). I've tried to visualize getting a great job or a financial windfall through manifestation. I've already done all this stuff and that experience and effort amounts to a hill of beans. Not gonna lie, it feels like the universe is avoiding me. Like, if the universe was a person, they would give me a polite smile in the hallway but refuse to make eye contact. If someone brought me up in a conversation with the universe, they would react like this:
I know that I have so much to be grateful for: friends, family, experiences, etc. I know this. I guess I'm just venting, yelling into the void. What I'm saying is, I'm discouraged. I feel like instead of nurturing and helping my family, I'm dragging it down with me. I feel like, ultimately, I am without value.
