The Artist's Way: Yours and Mine

If you know me personally, you know that I love to sing the praises of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Like a lot of women, I went through a period of really questioning my identity after I had my son. I needed to reevaluate my life goals, my beliefs, and my purpose. Someone (thank you, Becky Yawn!) had given me their copy of the book about 8 years previous to my identity crisis and I had always intended to go back to it when I had the time. Thankfully, I finally made the time.

It wasn't easy. I had to get up at 5am for a while to make it work. I hate waking up early. (Honestly, I just hate waking up. Sleeping is the best. Waking up is ... ugh. Yeah, this is an ongoing battle in my life.) I was also uncomfortable answering questions about myself and writing a brain drain every day. I felt exposed and embarrassed; some of my entries were really raw and some were so dramatic that it made me cringe to reread them. The emotional stuff was a struggle for me but I'm so glad I went through it. Before The Artist's Way, much of my life was unexamined and many of my emotions were ignored or swept under a rug - by me! I made so many revelations in such a short time and it made me stronger and braver. Now, I'm much more inclined to face issues in my life and assume a position of power instead of constantly relinquishing that power to others.

Why am I telling you all of this stuff? Because it's an ongoing journey and I'm probably due for a refresher. Because I need a creative community. But also because of a chat I had with another mom on the school playground. She commented that I was very passionate about the book and the process and that I should teach it to others. I considered it - why not share this recovery process in a really personal way with people that I care about? I've been giving out The Artist's Way as a Christmas present for several years but I never really follow up afterward. So I came up with this: I'm going to do a week by week study of The Artist's Way, starting Monday. If you are curious, you can just follow along on my journey or you can read the book and participate with me. If you do participate, be sure to tell me how it's going in the comments; I will answer every comment and question because I want this to be a discussion and a powerful shared experience.

So ... yeah. If you want to know more about what The Artist's Way entails and if it would be useful to you, check out the Amazon page.

Day 2 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Actually it's day 3 but I'm gonna do two today. Don't judge my failure too harshly, I already know.

Day 2 - Write something that someone told you about yourself that you never forgot.

Ok whew. There's a couple of things but I guess I'll go with a positive thing, in the interest of not being a sad sack.

In 1998 or 1999, I took a Radio/Television/Film class at ACC. We were asked to write up a snazzy idea for a new sitcom. We presented our "pitches" in class and mine went really well. The instructor told me, "Get an agent."

Of course, I handled this compliment by laughing it off.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, "I'm not kidding, get an agent. Like now."

She said it firmly, as though there was no reason at all to doubt the truth of her statement.

Sometimes it makes me sad - what if I had taken her advice instead of doubting myself? Sometimes it's the small voice encouraging me to keep going because someone saw potential in me all those years ago. Either way, it's stuck with me.

Day 1: 30 Day Writing Challenge

One of the biggest problems I have with writing consistently is that I get overwhelmed by ideas. I could do this or this or this thing and this is possible and what about that? And it's too much so I just don't write. I'm also a crazy perfectionist. Like many writers, I have trouble with my internal editor. That bitch won't shut up so I write 3 words and change two of them. It's hard to get anything done when you are still obsessing about the first sentence. I think the only cure for this is to write more. Just vomit up words until I stop reading them and just let them happen. But I suppose we'll see.

There are a lot of writing challenges out there. I chose this one because my instinct is to attempt to write a piece of flash fiction. Unfortunately, my inner editor has not allowed me to finish something I started about 2 weeks ago so I already know that isn't a viable path. I decided to go with a challenge that was skewed toward journaling. It will force me to be vulnerable (which is another struggle for me) and to write every day but hopefully it will trigger my editor less.

Day 1: List 10 things that make you really happy.

1. Snuggling my son. This morning, he crawled into bed with me. I put my arm around him and he relaxed into me and we both fell back to sleep. Heaven.

2. Sleeping late and taking naps. I'm always tired. It's just a given. But I have this weird relationship with sleep. I've gone through months of struggles with insomnia in the past but that's not my problem now. At night, I don't want to go to bed because I'm conceding that the day is over and I dread the start of a new day. If my sleep is interrupted more than a couple of times, I feel exhausted in the morning. I've tried becoming an early riser but the combination of letting go of the previous day and greeting the new day before it's even dawned makes it a difficult habit for me. It feels like punishment. On the other hand, sleeping in and napping feels like a luxury. Plus, it's healing to me in a way that very little else is. If I have the flu or a migraine, I sleep. If I'm depressed or overwhelmed, I sleep. It's my reset button; I turn myself off and turn myself back on again and it usually works.

3. Creating. Whether I am writing, sculpting, painting, making jewelry - whatever it is - I love it. That feeling where time goes away and your ego is gone and you just lean into the process and let it take over; I live for that feeling. It's like being bathed in a divine light, it's like the universe is rushing through you and you are a perfect part of the whole because you are fulfilling your purpose. Seeing other people in that zone or connecting with other people's art (visual, musical, etc) is a close second; it's intensely moving and inspiring and can even be erotic.

4. Reading.
5. Hiking and being outdoors.
6. Orgasms. Because obvious.

7. Zingers. When I spontaneously come up with a great pun or clever turn of phrase, it's magical. It's almost as magical to hear someone else do it. I like clever comedies. stand-up comics, and funny friends.

8. Champagne. It's so good and I rarely have it. Bonus points: kissing someone and tasting champagne on their lips.

9. Trying new things and going new places. I feel energized and brave and ALIVE.

10. The beach (especially South Padre). I don't get tired of looking at the sea and the sky. I don't get tired of the sound of the waves or the spicy scent of the water. I would love to spend more time there.

So there, I did it. Obviously, it's not everything that makes me happy and maybe it's not even the Top 10, depending on the day. But it got me thinking and writing and that was the point. You should do the challenge too, you know. Feel free to write your own answers. You don't have to go in depth like I did or share it with anyone but at least give it some thought.

My Inside Voice

You know how we like to tell rowdy kids "use your inside voice"?

This is not that.

This is my Inside Voice, the running monologue in my brain. It's the voice that most people don't know about because I try to be Nice.

After all:

       "You attract more flies with honey than vinegar."

Well, I'm not collecting flies here.

"Nice" is a dangerous word, especially for a woman, because it's a weapon in the hands of everyone but you. Nice means keeping your opinion to yourself or sugar-coating it. Nice is giving away ownership of your feelings and your power to keep others comfortable and happy. It means smiling even though you are uncomfortable, angry, or hurt because burdening other people is Not Nice. Nice girls are lying, self-conscious doormats.

The opposite of Nice varies with the situation but, unless you are under the age of 7, the opposite of Nice is not Mean. Sometimes the opposite of Nice is Selfish. Sometimes it's Lazy or Rude or Opinionated or Ungrateful. Sometimes it's High Maintenance; as though simply having wants and needs is offensive to the rest of the world. 

This is my blog and I'm going to use my Inside Voice. You are going to learn things about me that you will not like. You might be surprised and upset by my opinions and beliefs. I will read and write things that will make you uncomfortable. I will probably say "fuck" a lot because Words Have Power and I get to choose my own words and wield my own power. I don't say and do these things to hurt you, though I am almost certain it will be interpreted that way. I'm going to say and do these things because my Inside Voice isn't going to be Nice all the time, it won't be stifled or minimized to please you. I am sorry for the way that makes you feel but I will not be sorry for living my version of my life instead of yours.

Fresh Ink

Well, the ink's not that fresh, I got this tattoo for my birthday (December, btw) but I didn't post it on Facebook or anything. It was enough for me just to have it and to be so in love with it.

Obviously, I feel very deeply about this phrase - it's been permanently etched into my skin and it's the title of my blog. It's even on my business cards. To me, it seems fairly self-explanatory, but I get asked "why?" a lot so I will attempt to address that here.

1 - Words Have Power: As a writer, words are what shape my experience. They name and describe and define. Words are the foundation of my life and I'm going to use them to enhance my present and build my future. I love words, the way they look and the way they sound. I love fonts and naked paper and pens and sharp pencils and those breathless moments when I can't keep up with the words that are spilling out of me. I love curse words and sacred words and made up words and those stupid, mundane words that you inexplicably forget how to spell halfway through a sentence.

2 - Words Have Power: Words have an equal capacity to heal and to wound. As a mother, as a wife, as a human being, I need to always remember that my words are powerful and to use them wisely.

3- Words Have Power: Whatever you tell yourself everyday, whatever words you use to describe your life or yourself, that is your reality. Change those words and you will change your life. Intention is so important. "Fuck you" can be an endearment and "Hodor" can be a conversation, it all comes down to your intention.

So there you have it. Words Have Power. It's incredibly obvious and simple but I hope to live by it.

Begin Again

I'm starting over. 

You are a vital part of that. I'm working on a lot of things and I need you to help me. 

(No pressure.)

I finished my children's book The Grumpus - well, I finished the latest draft. I'll be attending a revision class this month so there will likely be at least one more draft. At any rate, it's done-ish and I'm trying to figure out what to do next. Self-publish? Find an illustrator? Submit it somewhere? Do I need an agent? I have no idea. And what do I do when I don't know what to do? Nothing. That's gotta change. I need to get The Grumpus out there, if only to prove to myself that I can.

I need to write and I need to become comfortable with being vulnerable. So I thought I'd begin a writing blog. Part journal, part flash fiction, part book review, part sounding-board; this many-headed beast will be my new best friend. I hope. My brain is constantly abuzz with plots and characters and ideas and I'm going to start writing them down. And then I'm going to show them to you. ::Shrieking in terror:: That will become another book and it will be wonderful and imperfect and we will have made that possible together. 

 I really struggle with being vulnerable so I can't promise that some of the entries won't be incredibly awkward but I'm hoping to power though that. One of the qualities I most admire is raw honesty; that rare ability to be real without being cruel and without fear of other people's judgement. Amanda Palmer does this beautifully - she really lives her life, and she does so unapologetically. She's imperfect, her life is imperfect, and it doesn't stop her from doing one thing. I ... am not like that. But I can learn. I can keep trying. (Side note: I'm actually not a huge fan of Amanda's music but I find her life and her art very inspiring)

I can't promise you the smoothest journey, or even one that makes any sense, but I can confidently say that it will be an adventure. It will be full of anxiety, laughter, side notes, weird observations, tears, and so many words and I am so grateful that you are coming along with me. 

Thank you in advance.