Job Searching

Is there anything worse than looking for a job?

I can't think of anything that is harder on my self-esteem. I always start out pretty optimistic; I've had jobs in the past, clearly I'm hire-able. I've been in management, worked with owners, created documents and policies that shaped an entire company. I am smart, competent, resourceful, creative, and easy-going. I'm a catch! Of course I'll get a job, a great job with great pay and benefits. I search far and wide and send out supremely confident cover letters.

After a couple of weeks, I start thinking, "Maybe the universe is waiting to deliver a perfect job at the perfect moment and I just need to hang in there and be patient." I apply for a number of jobs I secretly hope I don't get but that would pay well enough. I find a few dream-job postings and agonize over the application. I do not get called by the good-enough jobs or the dream-jobs. I do not get called at all. And I suddenly realize that I'm going to have to start delivering groceries to have any kind of income at all.

I start to get cynical. Really, $11 an hour and I'm supposed to be a secretary, payroll, HR, and the janitor staff but somehow have a bachelors degree in a related field? I must have a proof that my actions were the clear cause of financial gain for companies I worked for in the past - unless you're in advertising or investments, how could you even prove that? Sometimes the job descriptions warn you that the culture is very specific and that only a certain kind of person will succeed there. It's a clear indication that those employees are going to treat you like shit until you somehow win them over. Some job descriptions include a stern list of things that are completely unacceptable at this "laid back" company (absolutely no jeans, cell phones, or aluminum foil allowed on site! Must like working outside or sitting on the floor! Must be comfortable caring for the owner's dogs! Must only eat nut-, gluten-, and meat-free foods at your desk because who has time for lunch, amiright??) and reading it makes you feel like you've found the manifesto of some insane cult. Every job posting demands that employees care about the company like entrepreneurs, work long hours, wear multiple hats in a fast-paced, ever-changing position, and derive their satisfaction from a job well-done, not well-paid.

Maybe when I was younger, I would have been more interested in job descriptions like these. Maybe I would have thought that the exclusivity made it more special somehow. Maybe I would have loved the idea of investing a ton of time and energy into a company that, at the end of the day, someone else profits from. Someone lounging on a boat in the tropics while I eat yogurt at my desk at 7 pm.

Now I'm just disappointed. I've worked the long hours and "taken ownership" of my positions. I've  cleaned bathrooms and I've been a member of a management team. I've taken to the internet and tried to sell handmade jewelry and scarves and a gorgeous, unworn wedding dress (all still available as absolutely no one is interested in anything coming from me). I've tried to visualize getting a great job or a financial windfall through manifestation. I've already done all this stuff and that experience and effort amounts to a hill of beans. Not gonna lie, it feels like the universe is avoiding me. Like, if the universe was a person, they would give me a polite smile in the hallway but refuse to make eye contact. If someone brought me up in a conversation with the universe, they would react like this:

I know that I have so much to be grateful for: friends, family, experiences, etc. I know this. I guess I'm just venting, yelling into the void. What I'm saying is, I'm discouraged. I feel like instead of nurturing and helping my family, I'm dragging it down with me. I feel like, ultimately,  I am without value.

Book review: The Bear and the Nightingale

Confession: I read Katherine Arden's The Bear and the Nightingale in one sitting. It's just over 300 pages and every single page was a joy to read.

The Bear and the Nightingale reads like a very detailed fairy tale. The story takes place in the frozen wilderness of medieval Russia - before, in fact, the area is known as Russia. The Petrovich family lives in a small community where life is hard but not bitter. The youngest daughter, Vasilisa, is the center of most of the action.

Vasilisa was brought into the world at great cost because her mother knew that she would inherit the talents of her mysterious, magical grandmother. As a child, Vasilisa haunts the woods like a wild creature. She can see the traditional spirits that inhabit her world and speak to them. Unfortunately, a pious new stepmother and a glory-seeking priest seek to rid Vasilisa's village of their pagan ways. Without observance, the old spirits weaken and allow darker entities to take hold, threatening everything Vasilisa knows and loves.

This story is dark and heartbreaking at times and so rich with details and well-written characters, you never want it to end. I got so into the book that I forgot that it was summer outside and almost reminded my husband to wear a coat! I am glad to see that Katherine Arden is writing a trilogy for this amazing world, I can't wait to dive back in.

** Hey guys, I read a lot and I read in a bunch of different genres so I was thinking about doing more book reviews. Some upcoming reviews would include: graphic novels, Neil Gaiman, kids books, autobiographies, Seanan McGuire, books about writing, self-help books, and Nnedi Okorafor. If you'd like to read more reviews or if you have recommendations, please let me know in the comments!

Day 14 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 14 - Post your favorite movies, the ones you never get tired of watching.

I'm not super-excited by this prompt. It's boring.

The Royal Tenenbaums
Amelie
Clue
Lilo and Stitch
The Princess Bride
Labyrinth
Legend
Storks
Talladega Nights
French Kiss
7 Brides for 7 Brothers
Disney's Robin Hood
The Sword in the Stone
The Addams Family
The Emperor's New Groove

Day 13 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 13 - What are you excited about?

Sooo much potential

This is a weirdly difficult question for me to answer. I get excited about everything: stickers, yarn, funny t-shirts, The Magicians, new projects, going to the movies, playing board games, learning new things, eating out, new books - the list goes on and on. It doesn't take much to get me pumped up.

I guess what really excites me is when I access that zone. I'm sure most people experience the zone I'm talking about. It's like your whole being is plugged into the source of creation. It's like you have access to all of your potential at the same time. It feels like every good idea you are capable of having is suddenly available, like you are finally vibrating at the right wavelength and you are whole. Your hands know just what to do, your body is confident in it's execution of your vision, even if the vision changes. Everything else falls away. Nothing impedes you. Nothing exists outside of your work. It's euphoria and bliss and peak efficiency. I've gotten that feeling while writing, painting, sculpting, drawing, and meditating so anything can make it happen. I've even felt it while during writing classes and while plotting to start a business.

That moment is what excites me. I want to live my life in such a way that I can experience the zone as frequently as I can. That's the goal.

Day 12 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 12 - Write about 5 blessings in your life

Well, I have a lot of blessings in my life so I definitely want to complete this post! I've been sick since Sunday night so I am not in my prime and I really want to take a nap BUT I want to put something on the blog. So here we go, in no particular order:

1. My friends. You guys, I have the best friends. When I doubt myself or need help, they are right there. They check on me when I am sick! They love my kiddo. Having friends is such an amazing blessing because you choose each other. You have no formal obligation to each other but you choose each other every day. You tease each other about shortcomings but you also support each other through the hard times and you just do it because you love each other. I can't imagine greater riches than friendship.

2. My creative mind. Maybe it sounds weird to think of something about yourself as a blessing but let me talk you through it: you are a combination of what you were born with and what you have experienced. You might look like someone else and sound like someone else, but you can't think like someone else. I am blessed to be creative and to allow that creativity to become layered and nuanced and exposed is an infinite blessing. This is who I am, who I choose to be, where I plant my flag, and what steers my life and I feel incredibly blessed.

3. Readers/commenters. It's overwhelming to think that people read what I write because they enjoy it. You are spending a moment of your life "listening" to me and I find that both humbling and empowering. You make me feel like my dreams are attainable and that I am not stumbling around alone in the dark. Thank you so much for telling me how you feel and giving advice and being a part of the conversation. Thank you for your silent encouragement. Thank you for being a blessing in my life.

4. My son. Honestly, he has improved my life a million percent. He's challenging and confusing and hilarious and unintentionally brilliant, sometimes all in the same breath. He blows my mind. I miss the baby he was. I love the kiddo he is. I look forward to the guy he will become. Loving him is like loving a million people with the same name, he changes so much and grows all the time. He has depths that even he isn't aware of and it's such a blessing to support him on his life's journey.

5. My husband. Last but certainly not least. If you aren't married to your friend, what are you even doing with your life? He and I have been through rough stuff so our good times seem especially precious. He cares for me when I'm sick, worries about me when he's away, and makes me laugh so hard. We have a million in-jokes. He doesn't always "get" me but he tries to support me even so. He's such a good guy and a tremendous blessing in my life.

By the way, today is our 14th anniversary. We are low-key people and I've been sick this week so we hadn't planned anything but we just couldn't let the day slide by without comment. My friends (blessing) agreed last minute to watch my son (blessing) so my husband (blessing) and I can go out to eat. And I finished this entry with enough time to take a nap before I have to pick up the kiddo. Even an ordinary day can be a blessing jackpot if you let it.

Day 11 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 11 - Something that you always think "what if..." about

Sorry about this post, here's a bunny to offset the trauma lol

Oh my. Well. I don't think I'm alone here in saying that we all have life choices we'd like to change. I went out of my way to sabotage my life early; or at least it seems that way, looking back on it. When I really think about it though, it wasn't so much that I wanted my life to trend downward, I just didn't have necessary support and life skills to do better.

In junior high and high school, I was a complete mess. I had all these big emotions and deep depression and no outlet for them. I wrote a lot (poetry, looooong letters I never sent, suicide notes, and self-eulogies - what I imagine is the usual depressed kid wheelhouse) and read a lot and listened to music but I could only manage myself, not make changes or improvements.

During this time in my life, and for probably 15 years after, I was only reacting to stimulus. I wasn't proactive. I didn't make plans for the future. I distracted myself and smoothed things over. I didn't try to think things through or wonder what was roiling beneath my surface. I just knew the surface was dark and damaged and chaotic and assumed everything underneath would be the same.

I think people who know me now would be very surprised to know the girl I was. I was nothing but hard angles, black and white lines, secrets, lies, and blind eyes. I was a fire that could somehow burn itself along with everyone else. I was silence and shouting and self-denial personified. I was a septic open wound with combat boots and fishnet stockings.

FYI, I was recently described as rainbow sprinkles. Just goes to show you how funny life is, though not always in a "haha" kind of way.

What if, during that time, I had seen a really good therapist? What could have changed in my life? It boggles the mind.

Maybe I wouldn't have married a guy almost 12 years older than me when I was 17. Maybe I would have learned to be independent and to hold on to myself. Maybe I would have gone to college and followed my dreams instead of surrounding myself with failure and defiance. Maybe I could have avoided some of the obstacles and pain. Maybe I wouldn't have had to fight so much, so hard, for so long.

All those experiences and decisions (or lack of decisions) led me to this incarnation of myself. I know we're supposed to say "I wouldn't change a thing; I am who I am because of my past" but I have never felt that kind of loyalty to the person I have become. If I could, I'd ball up the clay of my youth and reshape it into something beautiful, or at least useful.

Day 10 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 10 - Write about something for which you feel strongly

It sounds weird, but I really kind of hate this topic because my answer can only be an emotional one. I'm also prone to strong feelings. Regardless of the subject, I am likely to feel passionately about it in one way or another. I don't half-ass my feelings.

Maybe I should write about the thing that's been on my mind the most: getting a new job. I definitely have strong feelings about that.

On one hand, my family needs me to get a job. We have bills and a lot of fun and we'd like to keep paying for both. If I make a decent amount of money, it takes the strain off of my husband. He's unhappy at work and this situation makes him feel trapped because we rely on his paycheck. That's a terrible spot to be put in. We're paying a lot for health insurance - a ridiculous amount. If I got a job with insurance, I could eliminate like 3/4 of that particular bill.

On the other hand, ugh. I know that's not very eloquent but it feels accurate. I just got out of a job that made me miserable and I'm not looking forward to getting myself into another bad place. I'm the type that realizes that her office is awful and then continues to work there for another 5 years.

Most writing jobs are in content and SEO (search engine optimization). I don't want a job in SEO. I know this is a really unpopular attitude but I find SEO to be profoundly icky. The content you have to produce is shallow, keyword-heavy, less than truthful, and manipulative. I hate lying, it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I also hate the idea of ripping off other people's work and of attaching my name to something low-quality.

The jobs that I would even consider require a degree and most of them are around downtown Austin anyway. I don't have a degree, I live in the suburbs, and I really hate long commutes, especially in traffic.

I like my schedule now. The house is much cleaner. I can have lunch with my son, go on field trips with him, and walk him home every day after school. I'm available to help people when they need me. If I'm up late taking care of a sick dog or kid or whatever, I can nap.

And I've been writing. That's really the best part. I've restarted the blog and I'm working on my novel. I've been heavily into affirmations and staying positive. I've never been happier.

So. What to do. Not that there's a real option. Obviously, I'm going back to work. I just really hope I end up where I'm supposed to be and the trade-offs are worth it.

Day 9 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 9 - Post words of wisdom that speak to you

Good gravy, people. There are so many! I've read several books that have been incredibly influential in my growth and I like to read blogs written by people who are figuring out their lives at a faster pace than most. I am trying to always be in a position to receive wisdom so I don't lose hope or start doubting the journey.

I guess the bit of advice that's been most valuable to me has been that the energy you put out into the world is the energy that you get back. So if you are focusing on being broke and your crappy job and your low self-esteem, if you are focusing on fear and being stuck in a rut, whatever your are focusing on, you are inviting into your life.

Don't get me wrong, "into every life a little rain must fall" and some people get hurricanes despite their energy. I know, life is not for wimps. BUT - when I stopped being afraid of not having control and let my life unfold without judgement, it was easier to keep a clear head to make better decisions. I no longer felt like a victim of circumstance. When I started feeling more positive about myself and my abilities, I felt more powerful. I'm braver and more fulfilled now and it all comes down to the energy and thoughts that I generate.

Activity can work against depression. Letting go of control can release fear. Treating yourself well can lead to others treating you well. Any forward motion, even baby steps, can gather momentum. Gratitude opens you up to more blessings.

I see it and I see the truth of it. I've seen it work for me. It's not always easy to remember but I am making a conscious effort to stay positive and grateful and excited about what's next.

By the way, one of the best books for this attitude is You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Star Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero

Day 8 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 8 - Share Something You Struggle With

Good grief, it might be easier for me to list the things I don't struggle with.

The biggest struggle I'm facing right now is my lack of focus. I read a lot of advice/self-help stuff and the key to getting your ideal life always seems to be laser-like focus.

My mind is everywhere and nowhere.  I have literally taken 3 breaks just while writing this far. Once, because I was getting a headache from not wearing my glasses - why was I even at the computer without my glasses to begin with? The next time was because I clicked over to Facebook for no reason and browsed like 6 things in my feed before remembering that I'm supposed to be writing. The third time I walked around my kitchen aimlessly and then got cereal (my stomach is off, as usual) before I remembered that I was in there to take an allergy pill. So yeah. That's a 10 minute slice of my day and I'm always like that.

I read a book (fib: I read the first few chapters) about female ADD/ADHD and it seems like a reasonable diagnosis for me when you look at the symptoms. I was thinking of myself as a lazy, absent-minded procrastinator so it was a relief to think that maybe it has more to do with the way my brain works than being a deeply flawed person.

Being this easily distracted means that I forget to finish things that I started because I've already moved on to something new. I have trouble cleaning house because I start reading a magazine I found while picking up. Or I'll stop sweeping because I remember that I set a goal to do laundry so I go into my room to get clothes which reminds me that I need to make the bed but maybe I shouldn't because I meant to wash the sheets yesterday anyway and wow, I need to put away this jewelry before I start losing earrings, what was that thing on Pinterest to organize jewelry and make up? Down the rabbit hole I go, only to emerge when I realize that it's time to pick up Alex from school and I have nothing  to show for my day.

Hilariously, there is an opposite to this as well. I will focus on one thing to the exclusion of all other stimulus. Usually, it's because I'm doing something creative and I'm in the zone. I can't hear my name being called in this mode. I can't follow a conversation or finish a sentence because I'm so physically and mentally involved with whatever it is. Sometimes I emerge from this state disoriented or drained. While it's exhausting and difficult to explain to other people, I prefer this version of myself because it's so productive and because the feeling in the zone is so sharp and euphoric.

I'm working on achieving more of those "in the zone" periods. I'm trying to set goals and create rules for myself; I'm using apps for meditation and developing good habits. I want to do better and to be more but, yeah, it's definitely a struggle.

Day 7 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 7 - List 10 Songs that You are Loving Right Now

Oh this is a fun one. I get really obsessed with songs that I like and I just play them over and over. Right now I'm working so hard to build myself from the ground up so a few of the songs I'm listening to reflect that attempt. 

You'll notice that all the songs have well-written lyrics. I can't enjoy a song if there's something off about the words. 

These are in no particular order but I added the numbers to make sure I stayed at 10 lol. 

1. The Greatest by Sia. I feel like the Bobs from Office Space when I talk about Sia. 

Seriously, Sia is so incredibly talented. Her videos are beautiful and raw and artistic, just like her songs. She hooked me with Titanium and Chandelier and when I heard Elastic Heart it was all over. Seeing her live would be a dream come true.

2. Poison and Wine by The Civil Wars. The slow pulse of this song is hypnotic. A lot of their songs are like that; gorgeous harmony and emotional intensity. If you prefer less of a ballad, check out their song Barton Hollow.

3. The Downeaster Alexa by Billy Joel. Whaaa? I know. This song is in my head at least once a week, I love it. I have no connection to islander life or fishing but this song is so compelling. 

4. I Love It by Icona Pop (feat. Charli XCX). Do you need a song to BLAST while you drive? This is the one. It's so fun to yell the chorus. It gets me shaking that booty.

5. Thunder by Imagine Dragons. I feel like this is my anthem at this time in my life. I relate to the lyrics and this is a well-produced song. My seven year old son and his best friend are super into Imagine Dragons right now so we hear a lot of their music as a family.

6. Howling at Nothing by Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. This song is the perfect winding down song. I love it like I love red wine and familiar faces. Honestly, I don't think this band has a bad song, they are all pure unicorn magic. You've probably heard their song S.O.B. but you should check out the rest of their music. Like, all of it. We got to see this band live at SXSW and they also put on a great show.

7. Jackie and Wilson by Hozier. Holy moly, this guy. Strong, strong lyricist and his voice is haunting. His style is reminiscent of Van Morrison. I love all of his songs and his covers are great too.

8. Thank U by Alanis Morrisette. An old song but I heard it again the other day in a store and it seems perfect for this point in my life. Being grateful is a huge part of getting the joyful life you are looking for. When you look back on your life, there maybe a lot of things that seemed awful at the time but steered you in the best direction. Growth, change, bravery, forgiveness, peace - I remember all of it when I hear this song.

9. When You're Good to Mama by Queen Latifah. This is from the Chicago soundtrack and it's been stuck in my head for a few days now. I love musicals and show tunes. Judge away, I don't care. 

10. Land Down Under by Men at Work. A little random, perhaps, but it's been stuck in my head for a couple of weeks. I find myself singing it while folding towels or scrubbing the stove. It's fun! 

You should let me know what songs you are listening to in the comments! I would love some suggestions. 

Day 6 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 6 - 5 Ways to Win Your Heart

Hmm, an interesting topic. 

1. Be a nice person. Lavish love on babies and animals. Listen to kids when they talk. Talk to everyone as though they were your equal (spoiler alert: they are). Know the waiter's name. Get mad about inequality and cruelty. Buy from those annoying school fundraisers/scouts/child-run lemonade stands. Help a stranger if you are able to. Tip well. Support struggling artists. Just be a decent person.

2.  Be into me. Pay me sincere, specific compliments. Listen and remember what I say. Know why you love me; don't make me feel like you wonder why anyone would love me as much as I wonder.  Choose me. Be happy with me and for me. Be proud of me. If I'm passionate about something and you don't get it, still be happy that I'm happy and make an effort to at least understand. 

3. Be hilarious. I love funny people. I love laughing more than anything; I'll choose a funny movie over a drama every time. A person who is sharp and witty and clever is the best conversationalist. Movie references, self-deprecating humor, giving animals funny voices, sarcasm, puns, silliness, changing the lyrics to songs to make them funny - all of it is gold. Inside jokes are the BEST. 

4. Be smart and curious. I'm no Stephen Hawking but I love to learn and I read a lot and research things. I watch documentaries and science programs.  I will not suffer a fool. I feel like appreciating the arts falls under this category too. 

5. Have an accent/speak a foreign language. This last one is shallow, I know. But accents are hot. Being bilingual is hot. So hot. 

Day 5 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 5 of the 30 Day Writing Challenge

List 5 Places You Want to Visit

Oh man, just 5? I'm gonna have to group some places together.

1. Ireland and the British Isles. I want to see it all. All the historical sites, museums, pubs, live music, misty cliffs, the new mixed in with the old. I want to spend a lot of time and immerse myself in the places that have an amazing vibe. I want to make friends and see the stuff tourists don't usually see, eat the local food and try new drinks.

2. Hawaii. The more I hear about it, the more I want to go. I want to hike and play in the water and experience a true tropical place.

3. Oregon. I totally want to see the northwest region of the US. I'm very interested in checking out Portland. I have a friend who goes there frequently and he thinks I would love it.

4. Colorado. I love mountains. It just looks so beautiful there and I think there is a very "maker" sort of spirit there that I would like to check out.

5. Santa Fe, New Mexico. I want to check out all of the art and artisan products!

Really, I want to go everywhere. If someone suggested a vacation to just about anywhere, I would be on board. I liked the cruise I went on and I want to go on more cruises. A friend of mine cruised the Rhine and I was crazy jealous! There is a ton of stuff in Austria, Holland, Iceland, Germany, Greece, Romania, etc etc that I want to see and experience. It's a whole wide world out there and I want to get so see it!

Day 4 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Day 4 - Write about someone who inspires you.

The person who most inspires me is Neil Gaiman. He's a writer but he's actually so much more than that.

One of the things I most admire about Neil Gaiman is that he writes ALL THE THINGS. He writes adult books, kids books, screen plays, short stories, poems, spoken word pieces, and graphic novels. He's not bound by a self-imposed (or externally-imposed) set of limitations. He just writes whatever takes his fancy. That's amazing.

Neil Gaiman writes for a living. People give him money and he continues to write more things. It's my dream, that I could write something and people would give me money for it and then I would get to write more things.

Neil is a world-traveler. He experiences new things. He meets interesting people. He finds artists to collaborate with. He's also a father and a husband. None of the things about him are contradictory - he chooses the life that is meaningful to him and the world just keeps chugging along and he keeps being successful on his own terms.

Neil also speaks out about issues that are meaningful to him. He's got a sharp mind and a kind heart. He sees a problem in the world and he names it, he draws attention to it. Gaiman has a rare platform that allows him to be influential and he uses it to put more positivity and awareness into the world. He is a champion for the arts and for artists.

I find Neil Gaiman's art inspiring, I find his work ethic inspiring, I find his life inspiring. He has the kind of life and career that I aspire to. And he seems like a nice guy too.

Check out his Make Good Art commencement speech.

Day 3 - 30 Day Writing Challenge

Haha, so it's not the 3rd consecutive day but I'm picking up where I left off. Consistency is clearly a problem. Right now I have a unique situation though - I am unemployed. I'll write a whole thing about that later but for right now, just know that I have more time to write now. Because that's what writers do, they write.

Day 3 - What are your top three pet peeves?

Oh my goodness. Top 3, that's hard to narrow down. Am I a terrible person because of that? Probably.

#1 - People who won't shut the fuck up and move the fuck away from me. There are so many instances of this in my life but there are definitely two that stand out.

The first guy used to corner me at work so I could listen to lot of bragging and long-winded stories that were not entertaining. He was completely immune to my discomfort and annoyance. I stepped it up by ignoring him or telling him "I'm busy, I gotta go, etc" and that worked zero percent. I even tried to get my boss to intervene on my behalf. He just wouldn't shut up.

I talk a good sass game but I am ultimately polite to a fault. I don't like to hurt people's feelings or get confrontational, partially because I am either a 1 or a 10 on the emotional outburst scale. I let situations like this go for so long, hoping they will just magically work out without intervention, that I become even more hesitant to speak up for fear that I will either be too nice or I will come across as a hysterical woman.

So I did the only thing I could think of: I started avoiding him. In an office of around 100 people, this was pretty difficult. I had to stop going to the break room, I tried to avoid going to the bathroom, I parked in a different area, I used the least-convenient stairs, and I carefully timed my exits. It was a huge part of my day to avoid that guy.

I met the second guy when I was attempting to be a part of organized religion. He had a big, booming voice that he would use to repeat himself incessantly, parrot movie quotes, and generally be a pompous asshole. He was also incredibly selfish and a horrible husband and father. It was painful to witness. No one liked him; no one. He was THE WORST. But it was church, so everyone had to be fake nice and put up with him.

When I imagine what hell would be like, I assume it's just me in a room with those two.

#2 - Attempts to manipulate me, especially "guilting" me. I hate this so much. I tend to get into relationships with narcissistic people and then realize that I am being manipulated only after years of feeling like a crazy person. Like I said, I am usually nice to a fault and I believe people are basically decent so it's always a huge shock to discover I'm being lied to and manipulated. I'm getting better at spotting it but it does make me unusually hostile towards sales people, hahahaha!

#3 - Repetitive sounds. I like music with a good beat. I hate when you are in traffic and all you can hear is the beat in someone else's car. I hate when people turn up the bass super loud. I hate the sound of clocks ticking. I hate when a fan gets imbalanced and starts making a rhythmic click, an appliance makes a weird sound, or something in the car is rattling. These sounds makes me so anxious that I have to stop what I'm doing and try to fix it. It feels like my skin is trying to jump off my body and I actually feel nauseated. Ugh so awful!

Writing from a Prompt: Sunrise

Until that day, I had never watched the sun rise. Oh, I'd skulked home from some ill deed in the waning shadows and stumbled out of many a tavern in the wee hours of morning.  But, wrapped up in my haste or stupor, I'd never seen the stars slowly dim into a rosy-hued sky. I had no idea the sun would slip up behind the citadel and slide gently around each of the spires until the whole structure seemed gilded in the sun's golden light. The city itself, once clad in the misty shrouds of night, was gradually reborn in a riot of color and sound. It as as if the world were new again, and I was too, just for having seen it.